I just want to be with my kid. Like, all the time. And then I don't want to be with her. I do. I don't. When I'm with her, my mind is often on my business and when I'm working on my business, my mind is often on her. I'm completely driven, as a working mama, to find a way to work less and be with my child more. My goal is that by the time she is school aged, I will have launched a successful online business to supplement my income, so that I can PICK HER UP FROM SCHOOL AT 3:00. It's painful to me that she is in daycare/school from 8:30-5:30, long after the other kiddies have left. (It's NOT painful to me that she's in daycare/school. I love it).
Today, I got a little bonus hour after seeing a client - instead of going to the office, I was able to come straight home. I'll be damned if I didn't deliberate for about 45 minutes of the drive - pick her up early? Have a little time to myself? Pick her up early? Time to self? Early? Self? Early? Self? Oh crap, there goes my exit.
Since I'm loooonging to be with her, shouldn't I be picking her up? Wouldn't a good mama do that? All readers who are judging just a tiny bit right now, raise your hand! It's OK, I'm judging myself too.. because I didn't pick her up. I came home to work on my side business, breathe, drink a full cup of coffee, and eat a bowl of popcorn. I even checked Facebook, went on e-lance to see what of this side gig I can source out, and gazed out the window, seeing nothing, resting my brain. I'll say it again: resting my brain.
I realized on the drive home that the guilt was going to pick her up, but the mama was still going to have her mind elsewhere. So I decided not to let the guilt have its trip, let my husband pick her up as usual, and I am sure both my daughter and I are having a more peaceful hour because of it. I also feel if I had picked her up, I'd be side-eyeing the other things I want to do, giving her half my attention and getting frustrated that I can't accomplish my personal goals. Like eating popcorn.
Are you often/ever torn, guilty, or in two places at once mentally? How do you make day-to-day decisions about your priorities?
Let's hold space for one another, no-judgment, no mommy wars. Respect and honor one another's comments and experiences.